Sunday, November 02, 2008

withers away @ 12:45 am

It's something Mystical

深陷其中，所以感触良多。
maybe its not a good idea to even write abt this here. it was only till now that i know that im not even supposed to write here abt work related stuff. of course i know that certain things shouldnt be revealed here, but it seems that im not even supposed to write anything abt my job. so, i've actually violated this previously already.
maybe its possible to just stay anonymous when i really step into the profession proper (the right column's profile will have to go). oh well i dunno. i just know i cant afford to step on a landmine.
society expects ppl in my profession to be role models 24/7. this is probably the only profession, besides the showbiz industry, where ppl expect u to act your profession all the time. there is nothing called personal time and space as long as u are in public, unless u are behind closed doors and windows in your house interacting with no one outside that house via any means. i understand how impt this profession is and the impact on ppl, with regards to their development and maturation. i know the social responsibility that comes with this profession. but how heavy should it be? how high have these expectations of this profession from society become, and how little respect has this profession been granted these days?
actually i've already had this experience and fear before. its like if i go back and ply along bukit timah or coro, and if someone who recognizes me sees me in whatever im wearing, or in whatever way im behaving, or in whatever language im using (which half the time, or all the time, isnt befitting of my profession really), what happens? should i even allow that to happen? then what happens to me as a person? what happens to me as myself? or does it mean i've got to sell who i am to the profession?
someone alr in the profession, and who i think is successful in it, told us this before, that they want to know who we really are, so we should just be ourselves. but how much of ourselves can we really be? can i really be someone who talks to herself, flaps her arms madly in the air and makes random noises hysterically when she's stressed, and be an emo kid, in front of the ppl im facing at work?
then i start to think (i've started thinking yrs ago actually), what are the dos and don'ts when we're out of our workplace? can we smoke? can we club? can we go to pubs and bars? can we drink? can we be emo? can we wear a tube and a mini skirt when we shop? can we say "shit", "heck", "bloody" or "wth"? of course i guess the usual rules apply, that u can do anything as long as u aren't caught. but can we be seen doing all this? of course im saying all this with the assumption that it doesnt affect how i perform during my working hours in my workplace. so? can, or cannot?
they probably all tarnish the image of this profession to varying extents, depending on the age and maturity of the person who sees u doing it. an image is what we struggle to uphold, and this image is not formed by us; it is a pre-determined image formed by society and we can only conform to it, or find loopholes in it to play around with. this image is of utmost importance to this profession, because it is part of our job scope.
making this profession all the more difficult, ok i mean, challenging.
i know i sound pessimistic every time i talk abt my profession, abt all the stress and restrictions and discouragements and all. but i guess this only goes to show how much i understand this profession, and how im willing to still plunge into it, because i believe in smth at the end of the day that i will be able to see, smth i know i can be proud of if i do it well, smth that won't even be seen in short term, but maybe in years or decades to come.
(deliberate attempts have been made to avoid disclosure of the identity of the profession. HA.)
looks like im fated to wait heh.
anyway on a diff note, last night was fun! once in a lifetime (or maybe not). on hindsight the rain was pretty cool. ok minus the cold. HA. i havent slpt so fast once i hit the bed for ages alr.